Women of America, I sympathize with your plight. For decades you've been striving for equal rights and opportunities, yet you look around at boxing matches, Olympic swimming events, the beach etc. and wonder "Men are allowed to bear their nipples, why can't I?"

For more than two decades I've wondered the same thing, and have decided it's time we take a stand! I'm sure you had no idea I was such a big supporter of the equal rights movement, but I'm behind you all the way. WOOOOO! Go women's lib and all that good stuff! Yeya! Now back to the nips.

It seems unfair that your nipples have been discriminated against in such a heinous manner. The nipples of a woman are a beautiful thing and yet even now in the twenty first century the entire country had a collective hissy fit when Janet Jackson displayed a faux nip at the Super Bowl. This is something I cannot understand. Female nips are not just something to be seen in Hustler, Playboy and the occasional National Geographic. They are a glorious sight for all to behold. With your help we can make this a reality!

I move that women should have equal rights in the area of nipple bearing freedoms. Not only are they a pleasure to see, but as we all know women's nips also have additional uses, such as telling the temperature, enhanced TV reception, and predicting the weather.

"Cindy's nips is lookin' like AK bullets! There's a hurricane a comin'! Quick Jeb, get the Spam, I'll meet ya in the bomb shelter!"

Ah, if only I had a nipple for every time I heard that one.


In an effort to impliment this concept, I have drafted the first "Nipple Discrimination Act" as outlined below. Feel free to make any necessary amendments or addendum's. With your support, I am confident women's nips will be as commonplace as ice cream and apple pie.

1) Women shall henceforth be allowed – nay – encouraged to bear their nips whenever they should feel necessary.

2) Pennies, quarters, silver dollars, the size of the nips shall not matter.

3) Nips may be forcibly placed in the mouths of unsuspecting males should they suddenly require shelter from the elements.

4) Caressing of the nips between thumb and forefinger and/or suckling of thine own nips when physically possible shall be deemed acceptable behavior.

5) Any further nipple discriminators shall be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Now I beg you, women of the world, show me your nips!

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Still want equal rights?