What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

Why did the blonde jump off a bridge?
Because she was clinically depressed and wanted to end her life.


What was the pirate movie rated?
PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.

Your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.

Person 1: Did you hear about what happened at work today?
Person 2: *Confused expression*
Person 1: Oh thats right your deaf...never mind

A man hits his head on the bar after a few drinks. He realizes it's now time to get a cab, unfortunately the cab prices have just been raised so he goes home in pain and with a little less money.

Whats worse than finding a fly in your soup?
The holocaust.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

Three blind mice walk into a bar. They are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their predicament would be exploitative.

A man walks into a bar and his alcoholism is tearing his family apart

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The police, ma'am. Your husband died in a car accident.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she lost her arms in a terrible car accident in which all of her family members died.

What did the horse say to the man when he caught him taking a piss in the barn?
Nothing.. horses can't talk

heard a joke once: "Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain." Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Here's a prescription of anti-depressants, and I'll recommend you to a good psychiatrist."

A midget walks into a bar,
Everyone feels uncomfortable.

A group of guys walk into a bar.
Minutes later, the guy that nobody likes but is somehow your friend because you say hi to him in passing and don't make fun of him and assumes you to be his best friend even though you don't know him at all comes over and makes everything awkward

So this blond chick walks into a Walmart and can't figure out how to work the self-checkout. The associate dude has to help her. That's because she got her Masters Degree in Foreign Social Sciences last year and has been volunteering in Haiti for the past 18 months working with disabled children in poverty-riddled neighborhoods where AIDs and malaria are wreaking havoc. She's been away from America and out of the loop for a while, but slowly, she's getting back into the swing of things.

Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
There is no answer. That wasn't anyone knocking, it was the sound of your grandma falling on the porch. She had a massive stroke while walking up the driveway after church. You'll have to call someone quick. The next hour or two will be extremely stressful as you and your parents rush her to the hospital where they can assess the amount of brain hemmorhaging, and ultimately, the amount of brain damage. Think of all the things you wanted to say to her, but never did.