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Lucifer

Lucifer Avatar

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Mythical Studio Member

Eunuch
5,665


August 2005
As any frequent gym goer can tell you, the gym (especially the dreaded "commercial gym") is full of many interesting characters, aka douchebags. In this article, I will compile my top list of X amount of things that annoy the ever living shit out of me in my place of worship.

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The guy who wears a spandex shirt tucked into his shorts.
You know this guy. This is the guy who spends more time in front of the mirrors than he does under a squat rack. If you couldn't tell by watching him for a few minutes, his chicken legs are probably a dead giveaway. For him, every day is bicep day, and he'll let you know as he grunts and swings those 40 pound dumbbells up for his 6th set of hammer curls. Listen, guy, no one cares how big your muscles are or how tight your shirt is. No one is paying attention to you for more than the couple of minutes you distract them with your pathetic display of egotism. If you happen to be one of those spandex wearing guys and you somehow don't fit the above description, just know that regardless, you look like a tool and I'm judging you.

The guy who dresses thug.
You've probably seen this guy, too. DC high tops, black knee high socks rolled down to his shins, extra baggy shorts hanging halfway off his ass, a towel (that doesn't get used) tucked in the back, an oversized hoodie or t-shirt, a flat brimmed hat (which serves zero purpose), and some Beats overear headphones. Everyone knows that the gym isn't a fashion contest, but some people really need to understand that there's a difference between looking good and looking like you got lost on your way to an Eminem concert back in 2002. These guys generally do a lot of free weights so they can sit on benches in front of the mirror and look at how tough they are. Who says the gym is for hard work?

Dude wearing a gas mask.
I don't get this fad. I mean, I get the purpose, but I don't get why any normal person does it. You're not training for the Olympics, you have no need to replicate the oxygen deprivation of the elevated Kenyan countryside. You're some average guy in the gym. If running is too easy, run faster or run further. Wearing a gas mask makes you look like a fucking moron and it's limited benefits could be exceeded through good ol' fashioned effort. But some people are afraid to break their 7 minute mile pace for more than 5 miles, so I guess a gas mask is one way to make that run harder. But until you break Batman's back, I'm not impressed by your facial accessories.

People who require towel racks.
It's these assholes that decide that the dip machine next to the preacher curl bench is the perfect place to hang their towel. Or maybe over the barbell in the squat rack while they do something inane off to the side. Don't worry guys, I'll just wait for you to finish what you're doing so I an use the unused equipment. I don't know what happened to the floor, or pockets, or your shoulder, or any of the other seemingly infinite options for towel holding that won't inconvenience other gym goers, but it's getting out of hand. This also goes for guys who use benches just for the sake of setting dumbbells on them so they don't have to bend over as far to pick them up. No, really, I ran into this the other night.

Guys who do kipping pull ups (ie, faggots).
Kipping pull ups are idiotic. Thanks to Crossfit, they've become more popular than ever. If you don't know what they are, look them up, but the short answer is that you use momentum (rather than strength) to pull yourself above the bar. It was for gymnasts who want to conserve strength, not for people trying to build strength. How this hanging seizure of an "exercise" became part of anyone's gym routine is beyond me. Not only do you look like an idiot, but it takes up about 3 times as much room as a typical pull up, and has already been proven to have virtually negligible effects on increasing your actual pull ups (or even kipping pull ups themselves).

Those assholes taking up half the gym for circuit training.
Speaking of Crossfit, circuit training has become more popular than ever lately it seems, too. In your own personal home gym, or in an uncrowded gym, or at an designated gym for such training (like a Crossfit facility), great. But in a busy (ie, overcrowded) gym, you're just an inconsiderate toolbag. There's nothing worse than trying to hop on what seems like an empty rack or bench to have some guy come from halfway across the gym and say, "Hey, I'm using that," and then realize there's an entire trail of gym equipment that is apparently reserved for this asshole until his 45 minute circuit is done.

Guys who do too much weight.
There was a time when weight training was that: training. An activity specifically for the task of getting stronger. Eventually, it had evolved into a show of strength at times (Olympic weightlifting, powerlifting, etc.). But somewhere along the line, it became a numbers game. It wasn't about how much weight you could lift, it was about how much weight you could put on the bar without killing yourself. If I had a nickel for every time I saw a guy half rep a weight he can't handle, only to have his spotter help him for half the set, I'd literally have enough to pay those assholes to leave the gym forever. If you can't do full ROM (range of motion), you won't get stronger, so lower the weight. And if you can't do the lift without a spotter's help for more than the last rep, you're doing too much, so lower the weight. Why in God's name is every guy so obsessed with being able to claim he put up X amount of weight when anyone with eyes (functioning or not) can see that he's not even completing said lift.

Those groups of guys who go to the gym together to socialize (what I call the happy time fuck around crews).[/u]
Time in the gym is precious. If you're on something I want to use, I have to wait. That's understood. But when you and four of your fucking friends are cycling through, that wait just got a whole lot longer. You and a buddy, maybe two. I get that. Not everyone wants to go to the gym alone. But there is no fucking reason for 4 or more people to go to the gym together and do the same routine together. Not only does it take even longer to get through a particular lift (that others are no doubt waiting to use), but the excessive amount of banter and bullshitting that goes on between sets seems to increase exponentially for each additional asshole. The gym is a place to train, not socialize. Shut the fuck up and lift or get out.

Doing all bench variations in a row.
If you've ever lifted in a gym that has a shortage of bench press racks, you've probably encountered this. Those guys who hit 3 sets of flat bench followed by 3 sets of incline followed by 3 sets of decline. Because even though the same pectoral muscles are getting worked in each lift (it's the part of the muscle belly that's stimulated that varies), people insist on 210% muscle stimulation every workout. This is idiotic. One, because like with the massive groups, you're just being inconsiderate to people waiting for a specialty rack like the bench rack. And two, because decline bench press is the most worthless exercise ever. It's a shorter range of motion, which means less muscle stimulation, and any that occurs will likely be similar to a regular flat bench if you're doing THAT right (you're probably not). And if you REALLY want that lower pec to develop, go do dips. I get it, you're fat and they're hard. Man up. The increased range of motion means you're getting maximum tricep and shoulder activation while still targeting your muscles how you want. Stop wasting my time on your stupid routine.

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There are plenty of other things that annoy me in the gym (like not putting your weights away when you're done), but most of those things are generally covered by other people in excess and all but true Douchebag McAsshole's tend to avoid those habits.


Last Edit: Mar 25, 2013 17:32:16 GMT by Lucifer

Lucifer

Lucifer Avatar

*******
Mythical Studio Member

Eunuch
5,665


August 2005
I feel like I need to add to this list, "Girls who are against weight training (or heavy training) because they don't wanna get big."

Long story short: shut the fuck up, bitch. It ain't that easy. You're not gonna magically get big just 'cause you lift a heavy weight. Stop making excuses not to work hard.

Chris

Chris Avatar

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Head Coder

19,519


June 2005
Actually, that last addition really annoyed me in high school when I would be lifting with girls. :P

Lucifer

Lucifer Avatar

*******
Mythical Studio Member

Eunuch
5,665


August 2005
Chris Avatar
Actually, that last addition really annoyed me in high school when I would be lifting with girls. :P


I was in the gym the other day and this guy (who was working out with a girl) says, "That shit's getting too easy. You should move up to X weight." She responds with, "Nah, I don't wanna do that. I ain't tryin' to get big!"

I damn-near slapped her.

Chris

Chris Avatar

******
Head Coder

19,519


June 2005
Lucifer Avatar

Dude wearing a gas mask.
I don't get this fad. I mean, I get the purpose, but I don't get why any normal person does it. You're not training for the Olympics, you have no need to replicate the oxygen deprivation of the elevated Kenyan countryside. You're some average guy in the gym. If running is too easy, run faster or run further. Wearing a gas mask makes you look like a fucking moron and it's limited benefits could be exceeded through good ol' fashioned effort. But some people are afraid to break their 7 minute mile pace for more than 5 miles, so I guess a gas mask is one way to make that run harder. But until you break Batman's back, I'm not impressed by your facial accessories.

ok, I still can't say that I've seen this happen since you posted the article.  Pics or it didn't happen. :P

Lucifer

Lucifer Avatar

*******
Mythical Studio Member

Eunuch
5,665


August 2005
Chris Avatar
Lucifer Avatar
Dude wearing a gas mask.
I don't get this fad. I mean, I get the purpose, but I don't get why any normal person does it. You're not training for the Olympics, you have no need to replicate the oxygen deprivation of the elevated Kenyan countryside. You're some average guy in the gym. If running is too easy, run faster or run further. Wearing a gas mask makes you look like a fucking moron and it's limited benefits could be exceeded through good ol' fashioned effort. But some people are afraid to break their 7 minute mile pace for more than 5 miles, so I guess a gas mask is one way to make that run harder. But until you break Batman's back, I'm not impressed by your facial accessories.
ok, I still can't say that I've seen this happen since you posted the article.  Pics or it didn't happen. :P


No pictures, but here's a video by someone who shares my sentiments.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrhc5-Fxo0g

Chris

Chris Avatar

******
Head Coder

19,519


June 2005
Lucifer Avatar
Chris Avatar
ok, I still can't say that I've seen this happen since you posted the article.  Pics or it didn't happen. :P
No pictures, but here's a video by someone who shares my sentiments.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrhc5-Fxo0g
Yeah, I remember seeing that on Facebook.  The oxygen depravation masks make more sense... but was someone wearing an actual gas mask at your gym?

Richie

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New Member

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March 2014
My favorite are the guys who have a single tattoo and ware shirts that say "ink addicted" and then try to talk to me about my sleeves like they know what they are talking about. and then end the conversation with "my boy did it in his kitchen." stop hahahahah

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